SEC Primer

Question

Welcome to the conference! Thought I'd give you some info on what to expect.

Ever heard a hit song so often you come to hate it? Well, you're about to experience it. You are going to learn to despise "Rocky Top." The Vol band plays it a minimum of 81 times per game. Vol fans can be quite surly when they lose. They've been very surly for several years now.

Georgia fans bark at you. Most have had their rabies shots but do not depend on it. Some do bite. Georgia fans are also spelling challenged. It's not Bulldogs, it's Dawgs in Athens. Rival fans routinely accuse Georgia fans of overrating their team. This isn't really true. Georgia fans are some of the biggest pessimists in the conference, which is attributed to the unbelievable pessimism of the late, great Larry Munson, long time radio voice of the Dawgs, and legendary coach Vince Dooley. Dooley once fretted about losing to the Richmond Spiders prior to a game because he was convinced they had the best punter in college football.

When you visit Tuscaloosa you'll see a lot of people holding up boxes of Tide detergent on a stick with a roll of toilet paper glued on top. "Roll Tide!" Get it? Uh huh. You'll also see crimson and white checkered houndstooth hats on half the fans. The reason is Bear Bryant wore one as his trademark. If you wonder why Bama fans do anything, the answer can be found somewhere in Bear's bio. You'll also hear how they've won more national championships than years the sport of college football has been played. Math is not their long suit.

We call South Carolina the Chickens. They refer to themselves as the Cocks. Really. Go figure. When they come to visit they will claim that your fans make Celts look civilized. When they score a TD at home you will hear this awful screeching over the PA system. It's supposed to be a gamecock crowing, but ornithologists are sharply divided; some say it's really the mating call of the South American Whoopee Bird. When they come to visit you, they will accuse you of trashing their cars, throwing full cans of beer at grandma, stealing their children to barbecue them and amusing yourselves by tossing the occasional Chicken fan off the top of your stadium to see how high they bounce. Pay it no mind, they do this to everyone, particularly Georgia fans. They're quite sensitive. Their fans are also convinced that they're going to win the national championship every year. This delusion usually lasts about four games until reality sets in. They have been up lately, however.

DO NOT enter a port-a-potty on the LSU campus if any Tiger fans are about. They're quite fond of tipping them over with rival fans inside. Food's great, though, and they will feed you graciously before getting in your face to inform you that you're "Tiger Bait!" at 120 decibels.

Florida fans are the nouveau riche of college football. Prior to 1 BS (Before Spurrier), Florida was famous for being the most talented team in the conference that managed to shoot itself in the foot every year. Since then they're convinced they're the best thing to ever hit college football and disavow anything that happened before. If you want to get under a Lizard's skin, accuse him/her of being fashion challenged because they wear jorts (jean shorts, and they really do). You can also drive them crazy by asking why their best head coaches (Spurrier and Meyer) seemingly can't wait to get out of there to coach somewhere else. They're quite sensitive about that. They are already unhappy with their new coach, Will Muschamp, so you can get a rise out of them by laughing at their AD for hiring him.

Kentucky fans do not understand why a football is oblong because it makes it hard to dribble. Every now and then they'll hire a coach who will cheat enough to let them have a good season or two. Then the NCAA catches them (they were once caught handing out racehorses to recruits) and they're sent to NCAA jail not to be heard from again for a while.

Vanderbilt has a fine university and a lousy football program. Vanderbilt excels at screwing themselves up in games. For example, they were on Arkansas' five yard line with a first down this past season about to go in for the TD that would have iced the game. Their top running back fumbled, Arkansas picked it up and ran it back 94 yards for a TD and wound up winning the game. They have the finest high school football stadium you've ever seen, but unfortunately this is college football. Nashville is a fun road trip, however and the Dores don't bother you much, all 17 of them.

Mississippi State fans drive their tractors to road games. That's all you need to know about them. They do break the rules ringing cowbells the entire time your team has the ball. They really do.

You know about Arkansas.

Auburn fans suffer from an inferiority complex brought on by being the #2 program in the state of Alabama. Their fans are most dangerous after a game, particularly if you've beaten them. They once turned fire hoses on UGA fans in the stands celebrating an upset win in the mid 1980s and still claim the Georgia fans were rioting. Their football team is schizophrenic. Their best team will inexplicably lose to yours. Their worst teams will inexplicably beat your best teams when they have no business doing so and you'll hear about it for the next 25 years. They also have this rather odd tradition of going down to Toomer's corner after a win and rolling a couple of big oak trees with toilet paper. This tradition is in jeopardy because a Bama fan poisoned their trees a year or so back. The entire university horticultural department is laboring mightily to save them.

What SEC teams are good at:

Football
Alabama is #1 all time. Any one of six teams can be counted on to win the conference in a given year. Those teams are: Bama, LSU, Georgia, Florida, Auburn. Tennessee has historically been a conference power but, as others point out, is currently a mess.

Men's Basketball
Kentucky. Tennessee, Arkansas, Florida and Bama can be good. Georgia fans can't understand why a basketball is round instead of being pointed on the ends.

Women's Basketball
Tennessee. The rest are usually cannon fodder but Pat Summit has a severe illness so this might be about to change.

Men's Tennis
Georgia.

Women's Tennis
Georgia.

Swimming & Diving
Tennessee and Auburn. Florida and Georgia sometimes break through with a good squad, and every now and then Alabama.

Baseball
South Carolina and Mississippi State. UGA has been better recently. Bama often has a pretty good team. But usually it's the Chickens and the Fake Bulldogs.

Women's Gymnastics
Georgia with Alabama playing the foil. Georgia's version of Pat Summit retired a couple of years ago and the balance of power might be changing.

Best Road Trips
Ole Miss. Great campus and gorgeous coeds.
Georgia. Athens is a classic college town and has a great night life. Sanford is one of the most beautiful settings in all of college football. Food at the stadium stinks, however.
Vanderbilt. You'll win and Nashville is a lot of fun.
LSU. The atmosphere and food are great. Tiger fans are unpredictable, particularly when they've had all day to imbibe adult beverages. At night, the place is nuts.
Tennessee. Great setting on the Tennessee River, but they cram you into the stadium giving little room for your keister. Neyland can get really loud when they're up and be a tomb when they lose. And there is the "Rocky Top" problem.

Worst Road Trips
Mississippi State. Starkville is aptly named.
Arkansas. You're closer, but for the rest of us it's the end of the earth. Nice stadium though.
Florida. Nothing wrong with Gainesville, the fans are right there on top of the action in The Swamp and it's really loud, but their fans can be,

Answer 1

originally posted by DawgSpiel:

Welcome to the conference! Thought I'd give you some info on what to expect.

Ever heard a hit song so often you come to hate it? Well, you're about to experience it. You are going to learn to despise "Rocky Top." The Vol band plays it a minimum of 81 times per game.

Thanks for the post DawgSpiel. As much as it will suck to hear "Rocky Top" 81 times a game, at least our bleeding ears and gag reflex will have the salvation of not having to hear ZeroU band fire up "boomer gooner" after every stinking play. Even when gooners make negative play, seems like the band cranks that noise pollution up.
Originally posted on On the Quad by GAB90.

Answer 2

Tennessee fans sing along. Every time they get to the part where they go "WOOOOO!" rival fans throw up. It's become a Pavlovian response.

It'll take a while to break yourselves in, but I'm pretty sure you'll come to enjoy being a fan of a program that belongs to the SEC.

I will warn you about this: The conference schedule is an incredible grind for the teams and the fans. Every week is a struggle no matter who you're playing. There are so many vicious rivalries and fans and teams and coaches take it all way too seriously which is what makes it fun.

SEC programs are sometimes accused of ducking heavy out of conference opposition. After you've gone through 2-3 football seasons you'll understand. The SEC always has 2-3 national championship caliber teams and odds are you'll be playing a couple. Even the worst programs give the top programs trouble on more than rare occasions. Vanderbilt hired a new coach and has them playing out of their minds. The Dores, of all teams, scared some of the conference's best teams to death last season. The quest for a birth in Atlanta will consume you and you don't want the distraction of playing some Pac 12 or Big 10 team when you have Alabama, Florida or LSU on the schedule the following Saturday. You won't have to go out of conference looking for topnotch competition because you'll be playing it eight times a season every season.

Again, welcome and good luck. Just not too much luck!
Originally posted on On the Quad by DawgSpiel.

Answer 3

enjoyed! thanx for the primer.
Originally posted on On the Quad by doylegr.

Answer 4

Great post... THANK YOU!

We certainly welcome you to Columbia this fall and can't wait to make the trip to Georgia in 2013.

SEC...SEC...SEC!!
Originally posted on On the Quad by stljesstx.

Answer 5

Although inaccuracies throughout, this is one SEC fan's perspective.
Originally posted on On the Quad by ftball0129.

Answer 6

I've been lurking some of the SEC boards lately in anticipation of next season. I have to admit that the Jawjuh / Cock smack on both sides is quite amusing. My favorite post on the UGA site was one where USC was complaining about having Ole Miss removed from their schedule in favor of the Green Bay Packers. But the USC group is a riot too. I loved what they did to Nub-braska.

A bit of hyperbole in the OP. I've been to LSU with a 'Bama fan in tow and people were still nice. He's right about the food being great.

Overall, I'm expecting a fun ride in the SEC - even if I do have to repair a foot hole in my big screen every now and then. (Come to think of it, maybe I should switch to projection..)
Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 7

DawgSpiel,
LET ME GIVE YOU A PRIMER ON MISSOURI

First of all Missouri fans will talk and talk and talk about how great of a football or basketball team they are. But that is all it is, talk and hot air. MU has never won anything in the Big XII. I truly expect that they will continue their streak of never winning a title in football or basketball once they join the SEC. I am not sure which team in the SEC you would say has the most classess fans. But with Missouri joing the SEC, they will take the title as the "most classless fans in the SEC". MU will soon settle into mediocrity in the SEC. In football they will be about 4th in the east. Good thing for UGA is that you can pencil in another confrence win when playing MU. In basketball Kentucky will beat them like a red headed step child. UGA might be able to pick up some wins over Misery in basketball.

If you are unfortunate enough to attend either a basketball or football game as MU, you will experience the worse fan base in the SEC. Only good thing is that if you want to see UGA play MU in Columbia, in a few years MU will have so few fans in the seats after becoming a nobody in the SEC that you will be able to get good seats at cheap prices.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 8

DawgSpiel,
I forgot one selling point about having MU in the SEC, if you are a meth addict. If you make a road trip to Columbia, it is a great place to get lots of meth. Misery is the meth lab capital of the nation.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 9

And just so you feel at home.


Originally posted on On the Quad by Merlin.

Answer 10

This is funny coming from a kstate fan. They were irrelevant for 70 years then had about 7-8 years of relevancy, than went back into remission for the next 6 years and this year have had one decent season and now feel that they are the next up and coming blue blood. They talk about how we never won a Big12 title while they boast and brag about their 1 title. kstate fans are basically the redheaded step child in the midwest.

Nobody really cares about them, they are overshadowed in their own state by ku due to their basketball relevance and then again overshadowed by Mizzou due to overall popularity. They lash out at every chance they get and will soon never be heard of again when they go back to being irrelevant and then fall off the face of the Earth when they move to the Mountain West. They don't have a winning record against any other school in the Big12 past or present except for Texas. If you tell them this then they will tell you that was in the past so it doesn't matter, but will point out how good they were in the 90's. With them football started in the 90s and then ended in the early 2000's.

They will claim things to make their argument, like how they won a BCS bowl when they didn't. They will ignore the fact that they haven't won a bowl game in over decade. Yes that is correct a Decade, I would imagine telostelos was probably about 6 years old the last time they won a bowl game. They have won a total of 6 bowl games in the ENTIRE HISTORY of their program.

Go to their campus and you will be treated to Starkville v1.1. Baron wasteland in the middle of the desolate plains of kansas, with nothing to do. Nothing but a bunch of farmers and people that couldn't get accepted into kansas, Mizzou, Nebraska or Iowa/Iowa State. As they see their world crumbling around them and the schools they once called rials (Nebraska/Mizzou) leaving they are starting to feel the cold relity of their irrelevance. Even their own blood and true bretheren kansas gave them the cold shoulder and publicly said, "hey kstate, you are dead weight and if someone comes calling, may God have mercy on your souls". Noone oher than ISU (and even they have AAU status to hang their hats on) has more riding on the future of the Big12 than kstate and you can see the desperation and hatred for anbody moving on for bigger and better things. If their fanbase wasn't such huge douchers, we would probably have some sort of Sympathy for them, but alas, they are the ugly fat girl with a bad additude that noone can feel sorry for.

This post was edited on 1/10 9:40 AM by KCTigerfan

Originally posted on On the Quad by KCTigerfan.

Answer 11

I guess KSU is irrelavent. After all, the only truly great and worthy team we beat last year in football was Misery and the only truly great and worthy team we have beat in 2012 in basketball is Misery.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 12

Its a testament to the patience of our Mod that a jayhawk fool like you is still allowed to exhibit his ignorance here after using a derogatory term for the great State of Missouri. I really have no idea why such a POS is not run.
Originally posted on On the Quad by none*****.

Answer 13

Yes, you are irrelevant. (notice the spelling of irrelevant, just for future reference) It's not our fault, it's really not your fault. We had the right combination of academics, televisions and athletic success, (some people seem to be impressed by AAU membership) that we became attractive to another conference. You should have spent a little less money on that face lift for the Bill Snyder Family double wide and bought a couple of books.
Originally posted on On the Quad by Merlin.

Answer 14

Using the term Misery fits your state perfectly. LOL....the right combination of .... and athletic success.....LOL. That success would be all the Big XII championships MU has won? Oh wait, MU has not won any have they. I guess in Misery mediocrity passes for athletic success.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 15

If nothing else got through that thick skull into that little brain, at least tell me you'll remember how to spell irrelevant.
Originally posted on On the Quad by Merlin.

Answer 16

DawgSpiel,
I forgot to tell you one other benefit to the SEC of having MU as a new member: comic relief. MU is and has been the butt of jokes in the Big XII for years as I am sure they will be in the SEC. You can count on MU to pull a Missourism. What is a Missourism you may ask? It is doing something so incredibly stupid that it is so funny. An couple of examples of Missourism are: the Ricky Clemons jail house tapes and the Paige Center. Just this year MU pulled another classic Missourism. The stated reason they hired Frank Haith as their basketball coach was because of his great character. Then we find out that he was up to his eye balls in a scandal at Miami. DawgSpiel you will get a lot of great laughs from MU and their Missourisms. Enjoy the laughing at MU as the Big XII has enjoyed laughing at them.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 17

So what is a k-stateism? Sucking on the Texas teet until she drop-kicks you into the Mountain West? It's kinda sad, really. You finally have good programs in both football and basketball at the same time, but you don't have the population or other economic factors for that to be enough to guarantee security. That is what your posting is about. You are insecure and as such you want to lash out.
Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 18

Sucking on Texas' teet? LOL....more like kicking Texas' a $ $.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 19

MUTiger91,
What will be the next "Missourism"?
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 20

Well, Bevo tells you it is a teet, but Bevo is a gay bull. we all know what you are happily sucking.
Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 21

DawgSpiel pretty much hit the nail on the head on what to expect from the SEC. I enjoyed the laugh (mostly at his expense). However, this leg humper still has the taste of [chicken] in his mouth after his team "giving up" to the 'Cocks two years in a row. You do know that UGAy never lose, right? They only throw games away, kind of like Nebraska! I, for one, am looking forward to your intro into the SEC and will be pulling for Mizzou as they take on the Dogs. Go ahead and be kind and courteous to the UGAy fans that make their way to Columbia for that historic event. They will be easy to spot every time they smile showing off all thirteen teeth (the favorite tooth being gold, of course).
Originally posted on On the Quad by Devonianwalk.

Answer 22

Looking forward to you guys hanging out here a little more. It will be nice to talk with rivals that are older than 15.
Originally posted on On the Quad by Merlin.

Answer 23

Devonianwalk,
What do you see for MU in the SEC East and the SEC in general. In the Big XII they are basically a middle of the pack team. I find it hard to believe that they will excel in the SEC when they never did in the Big XII. But since you and DawgSpiel get to have them in your division I would be interested in your take.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 24

Oh lord, please add this.

I have been to roughly 110 Bama games, 20 of those being away games. I have only twice seen someone holding up a Tide box and toilet paper. Remove that comment, thats just another stereotype we have to put up with

This post was edited on 1/13 10:09 AM by snowmanpb
Originally posted on On the Quad by snowmanpb.

Answer 25

I have been to exactly one Bama game. I saw TWO different people holding up Tide boxes with TP and it was at LSU. The year was around 1998, so maybe it has phased out. As a side note, they did look like the type that would be regular callers to Finebaum (i.e. the goofy redneck comic relief regulars, not the informed football fan regulars).

This post was edited on 1/13 6:35 PM by MUTiger91

Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 26

Honestly, I think that you guys will hold your own. Mizzou should fare well against Vandy, Kentucky, and Tenn. You will have "scrappy" games against Georgia, Florida, and us. The East division is starting to become more competitive again. I think that you guys are coming in at the right time but, that is just one fans perspective!
Originally posted on On the Quad by Devonianwalk.

Answer 27

OP,

In SEC Baseball LSU is a 5 time national champ, seriously ahead of the MSU program. Your entire analysis is as flawed as a typical dawg fan's perception of their teams.
Originally posted on On the Quad by WP4USC.

Answer 28

Devonianwalk,
So from your analysis, which I think is pretty accurate, Missour is at best the 4th best team in the East and maybe TN will pass them. I guess they will be in the SEC like they are in the BIG XII, just a mediocre middle of the pack or lower team. That would figure since they never won anything in their years in the BIG XII things will not change in the SEC.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 29

You're really desperate to have someone talk us down aren't you little man?
Originally posted on On the Quad by Merlin.

Answer 30

I'm pretty sure telostelos is an anagram for "lost testicles" (or at least close enough for a message board).
Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 31

Naw....I am not balless like Misery fans. You are just projecting your own lack of testicles on others MUTiger91.

The current SEC members just need to know what to expect when MU joins the SEC. In other words nothing - except hot air.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 32

There was more than hot air in Waco today, lost testicles.
Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 33

Fag MuTiger91,
You seem to forget what happened in Manhattan a couple of weeks ago....MU got smacked down and put in their place.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 34

Purple jayhawk. Look up from your perch near the middle of the pack and look who is above you near the top of the conference. And don't forget you have the re-match in Columbia. BTW, just to remind you. Mizzou was offered and accepted membership in a better conference than the old B-12. Kstate was not at any point in their history recruited, courted, approached, rumored or even mentioned for membership in any other conference. You have no options. Even ku has disavowed any connection with kstate if there is a chance they can move on to another conference. You have no friends. Have fun traveling to coal country.
Originally posted on On the Quad by none*****.

Answer 35

Time for a banning!
Originally posted on On the Quad by Dave Burgess.

Answer 36

None*****
I am looking forward to a repeat performance in Columbia. K-State exposed MU. The only difference when they play in Columbia is that the game might be a little closer, more like a 10 point smack down of MU.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 37

I would much rather be gay than a bigoted hayseed with penis envy from the middle of purple nowhere.

Evangelizing
Moronic ideas
Around the
Worldwide Web
Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 38

MUTiger91,
Of course you would rather be gay, you are a faggot after all.
Originally posted on On the Quad by telostelos.

Answer 39

telostelos: What exactly is your problem? If we are so irrelevant why are you posting on here every ten minutes?
Originally posted on On the Quad by bandg4ver.

Answer 40

Homophobe from Kansas? The hell you say!
Originally posted on On the Quad by Dave Burgess.

Answer 41

Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.

Answer 42

Jesus you are a pathetic individual! Is this all you do? Troll other boards and make a complete ass of yourself? The more you post, the more people realize how uneducated you are when it comes to sports or life for that matter. Crawl back onto the sinking ship know as the big xii and prepare to go down with it. We'll be the guys on the bank saying "we told you so."

And btw, come up with something else besides beating us in basketball once and meth. Those get old pretty quickly. How 'bout you prove me wrong and come up with something original to humor us with... F*ggot.
Originally posted on On the Quad by BCass09.

Answer 43

next...

Link: Baseball
Originally posted on On the Quad by chucktowncock.

Answer 44

Original poster was 99% correct except for... Athens as one of the best college game-day atmospheres... It's a great college atmosphere... only when Georgia is winning. The last time I went to Athens was in 2001 for the South Carolina / Georgia game. I will never go back again because how I was treated. Some of my best friends would say the same. They went in 2005 (Georgia win) and 2007 (South Carolina win). They had a blast in 2005 despite the loss. 2007... seems they had a similar experience that I did in 2001.

Traveler beware. :)
Originally posted on On the Quad by vehemon.

Answer 45

Envy is a funny thing. When you know you have nothing, you visit other boards and tell them how bad they are. We have left your conference and are not really interested in your op. I am shocked that you are so concerned about our future and I do thank you for that.
Originally posted on On the Quad by 9keith.

Answer 46

Where have you been, in a den DawgSpiel? The Hogs should be in every one you mentioned..... We will rule in football, basketball, track, and baseball in coming years....It will be fun watching all the other SEC teams watch and say what the hell, where did this team come from but as I say this it will be lots of fun for us HOG fans to unfold the carpet!!!

This post was edited on 1/28 11:21 PM by STLhogGoneWild
Originally posted on On the Quad by STLhogGoneWild.

Answer 47

HogGoneWild, for the last time, please stop showing your teets. We can't put that in the video.
Originally posted on On the Quad by MUTiger91.